Love Flows Downhill...Life Lessons from Lucy-Kate

[Missy relaxing in Celebration, FL.]

     Okay...it's back to Louisiana and back to school time.  For over two weeks, I spent my in-between semester break back home in Orlando working at THE theme park, seeing my daughter who is rarely in the country, and staying with dear friends.  Yes, it was hot and humid in Florida; it thunder stormed every afternoon; the traffic on I-4 was a beast, but it was great to be "home."  Being in Orlando meant staying with my dear friends Tedd and Lucy-Kate Walton and getting treated to sumptuous meals, constant laughter, lots of family, and a treasure-trove of life lessons.

    When the professor gets to be the student, it is a humbling experience...and one I've desperately needed.  Perhaps you, like me, have struggled with trying to figure out how to relate to your adult child.  Why doesn't she call me once a week (once a day would be better!)?  Why are my emails not reciprocated immediately?  Why am I not my child's confidant?    What am I - chopped liver?!  Even though I've been an empty-nester for four years, I still hadn't figured out how to be one.  Staying at Chez Walton and being coached by the sagely patriarch and matriarch of the Walton clan, I  think I finally learned one of the most important lessons in how to connect with an adult child -- "Love flows downhill."

    Do you know this truth?  I consider myself an intelligent woman, and yet, this fact of life just didn't occur to me.  Lucy-Kate repeated, "love flows downhill, love flows downhill," and offered a myriad of examples to show me the wisdom in these three simply powerful words.  As I pondered the meaning, I finally saw the light.  

    While I love my parents, I love my child in a more intense manner.  Love flows downhill.  Conversely, while my child loves me, the flow of feelings doesn't "backwash," because love flows downhill.  I don't have grandchildren, but I have observed that often the love grandparents have for grandchildren flows downhill with even greater potency.  Ah-ha!  If I expect my child to have the same fervor of love that I have for her, it would be unnatural, and it would set up both of us for an unsatisfying relationship with one another. I get it!  Love flows downhill. I may desire to speak with my daughter every day and not miss a single moment in her life, and yet, it would be an unrealistic expectation.  Love flows downhill.

    Another key lesson from the lips of my friends and mentors is that box wine is divine!    Like connoisseurs of fine wine, we sampled several boxes and determined that box wine is delicious.  An added bonus of box wine is that, unlike bottled wine, when the wine is gone, the box collapses so that it doesn't look like we've over-imbibed when one peers into the recycle bin.  Box wine is divine!

     Not long ago, my friends redecorated their living room with a rather novel and practical concept; they got rid of sofas.  Now, they have  amazingly comfy stuffed swivel chairs with ottomans that can be rearranged all sorts of ways.  I love that everyone gets a place without crowding out anyone else, and it seats way more people than sofas.  Brilliant!  Don't have a sofa and have more room, more conversation, and more versatility.

    Lucy-Kate is a fantastic magician in the kitchen.  Whatever is harvested from their garden is whipped up into something wonderful.  The Walton's garden covers their back and front yards.  It  yields such a beautiful bounty that one almost wants to chuck it all, move to the country to grow food, to can, to preserve, and never to go to a grocery store again.  Just by sitting at the kitchen counter, I learned so many new recipes using fresh in-season ingredients. 

     And so, I'll close out for now saying a giant "thank you" to Tedd & Lucy-Kate Walton for teaching me:

1. Love flows downhill.
2. Box wine is divine!
3. Don't have a sofa.
4. Cook what's fresh and in season.

Many Blessings & Much Love,

Missy

    
    

"But" Out!

"But" Out!

23 April 2014

Yep, pun intended... while seeing these three celebrity derrieres may cause you to wonder what's Missy writing about this week, the focus is more cerebral than anatomical!  This week's blog post theme is borrowed from Daniel Pink's book, A Whole New Brain: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule The Future. I listened to this book several times while out for my walks during the week, and a simple concept he mentioned has peaked my interest.  It's easy to do and represents a powerful shift in thinking more positively and with a solution-based perspective.

Here is how "but out" works.  When you might ordinarily use the conjunction, "but", substitute "and" for "but."  That's straightforward, and not necessarily easy or effortless, so it will take some work to make the change.  Read the previous sentence again and notice the magic of how "and" works positively begging for a thoughtful resolution.  With the "but" in the sentence, it leaves you with a problem dangling there rather than a plan / solution: That's straightforward, but it's not easy or effortless to put into practice.

Amazingly, Pink's technique is a profound thinking tool because it leaves the mind open to finding a way to balance seemingly opposing ideas through devising means to connect rather than repel.  While you may dismiss this idea as 'rosy-colored glasses' thinking, consider the scientific research on mindfulness.  Someday when you are Googling around, check it out -- there are a myriad of articles to explore on the topic.  Much of the research focuses on observing the healthful benefits of thinking and communicating in an affirming modus operandi.  Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and socially humans benefit from what Norman Vincent Peale touted in 1952 with the first publication of his book, The Power of Positive Thinking.

While critics dis Peale's book saying that, because his writings are full of personal stories, the methods / techniques cannot be substantiated.  Of course, scientific research has explored the effect a more optimistic outlook has on the whole person...and certainly on the brain's ability to consider alternatives to the perplexities of life.  

Again, here is the formula:  take out "but" and exchange it with "and."  Subsequently, add "so" to the rest of the thought.  See where it takes you.  "I would go on vacation, and I owe the IRS a ton of money, so I'm going to have to get creative about how I can get some much-needed R & R."  "I'm 58 years old, and I am not inclined to relocate, so I'm going to have to demonstrate to potential employers that my experience, educational preparedness, and high energy make me a viable candidate for the job locally."  "I love to take walks for exercise, and I work long hours during the day, so I'm going to have to find other ways to walk and put in my time at work.  Perhaps, I can join or start up a mall walking group of other business people for after work. Or, instead of going out to lunch, I'll pack portable healthy food and eat while I walk outside and enjoy nature with a break from being indoors all day."

This week, consider participating with me in changing your thinking by changing your communicating -- give "but out" a test drive.  And then, come back and post your observations at the end of this blog.  I'd love to hear from you!

"But" Out!

9 April 2014

Let It Go!

"...The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside

Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried...

Let it go, let it go

Can’t hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go...

It’s funny how some distance

Makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me

Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me

I’m free

Let it go, let it go...

Here I stand

And here I'll stay

Let it go, let it go...

I’m never going back,

The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go...

Here I stand

In the light of day

Let it go, let it go..."

Okay, okay.  I can almost see you rolling your eyes and thinking, "Oh no, here's yet another cover version of that Frozen song."  While the song, Let It Go, has been parodied and sung by everyone including "Adele Dazeem", this blog theme is about why the phrase sings (yep, pun intended) to me...and perhaps to you, too.[ By the way, if you haven't heard of "Adele Dazeem", please google the name because it's an interesting story.]

While doing some research for writing these thoughts, I looked up famous quotes about "letting it go."  Some referenced letting go of a lover. Others focused on letting go of one's adult children, jobs, money, desires, dreams, or even life itself.  Additionally, there were penned quotes about letting go of philosophical beliefs or myths.  I found it fascinating there are hundreds and hundreds of illustrious quotes on this theme. Here are a few:

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. 

Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild.

 So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed 

them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows 

it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, 

but still, the place where you live is that much

 more drab and empty for their departure.”

― Stephen King

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. 

When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need."

 – Tao Te Ching

"We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, 

so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

 – Joseph Campbell

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong, 

but sometimes it is letting go."

 - Herman Hesse

"There’s an important difference between 

giving up and letting go."

 – Jessica Hatchigan

"Anything I cannot transform into 

something marvelous, I let go." 

– Anais Nin

                                                "What's the greater risk? Letting go of what 

people think - or letting go of how I feel, 

what I believe, and who I am?"

                                                         --Brene Brown

" Let go of your attachment to being right, 

and suddenly your mind is more open."

 – Ralph Marston

The last quote cited above by Marston "strikes the nail on the head" for me.  Over my life, I have won battles and lost wars over the profound need to 'be right', refusing to 'let it go.'  Can you relate?  Two situations came up over the last couple of weeks that have had me humming, Let It Go, to myself...challenging my "I'm right" notion so that I can let go and free my mind to open.

While watching the news on April 1, 2014 (Yes, on April Fool's Day.), I learned that Tyler Summitt, age 23, was taking over as the coach of the Louisiana Tech women's basketball team.  Say what?! I was astonished! Fair enough his Mom, Pat Summitt, is a women's basketball coaching legend -- but, Tyler's only 23 and he looks 13!  What are they thinking hiring someone this young for a position of high visibility and leadership? Am I right?  How many of you saw this on the news and had a similar reaction?

The other instance where I was stunned was at the funeral of a dear college friend.  While visiting with some other guests just before the memorial service, a young man came up to introduce himself as the pastor of the church and one of the officiants for the day.  Holy cow!  This guy was barely old enough to shave, and he's the leader of the largest church in town!  I remarked my surprise to my friend who was with me.  She quipped,"That's what they are doing now days to bring young people back into the church." He can't possibly be ready for that level of power in a church -- am I right?  

Upon reflection, I realized I was guilty of judging these two very young men for being placed in key leadership roles because they are young.  I judged them only because of their age, and I felt quite "right" in doing so.  And it dawned on me that, in the same manner, I have railed against others when they harshly judge women over 50 who aspire to be in positions of leadership.  

I need to 'let it go' -- the need to be "right" and the propensity to judge based solely on age lest I fall victim to the judgement of younger people looking at me as being "over the hill" and so unworthy of leading. Ouch!  This was a tough lesson. Without meaning to overuse this phrase, I have turned, 'let it go' into my mantra.  I encourage you to comment on where in your life you need to 'let it go.'  Have courage...post your 'let it go' intention for your life and inspire us all.

                                                         "...It’s funny how some distance

  Makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me

  Can’t get to me at all...

It’s time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me

I’m free

Let it go, let it go...

Here I stand

And here I'll stay

Let it go, let it go...

I’m never going back,

The past is in the past...

Let it go, let it go..."

March Madness!

How many of you, like me, look forward to becoming a professional couch potato during this glorious season in college basketball?  March Madness time is here again!  I'm watching the Louisiville vs. Uconn mens' game right now as I write this blog.  Today I didn't put on make-up, deodorant, fix my hairdo, or get out of my sloppy scrub pants and old t-shirt ...there are more important things to do today.  I need to yell at the TV, coach from my home vantage point, and let all BUT the MADNESS slip away.

It dawned on me that March Madness is so much like this juncture in life.  The first 1/2 of the college basketball season is about honing individual and collective skills, becoming a solid team, managing an athletic schedule and academic classes, submitting to the coach's plan, and setting  goals to be a winning squad.  In the second 1/2 of the season, anything goes!  It doesn't matter whether a team earned the # 1 spot in its conference, once March Madness starts, all teams go back to square one.  The second term will be the only one that counts in the march to the NCAA championship.

That gives me a perspective on this stage of existence -- the second 1/2 of life.  It's the singular golden season and the only one that matters as I play to the end of my life.  Whatever I accomplished in the first 1/2 of my time on earth won't mean jack if I don't stay the course and continue to compete hard in the 2nd season.  It would be MADNESS not to strive all the way through the finale!

What are you doing in your 2nd season that keeps you in the game with purpose and drive to finish well?

[See you after the NCAA Finals are over!]

I May Need to Change The Name of My Blog!

24 February 2014

         Oy vey!  It's been several months since I wrote and posted a new blog topic, and I have just spent several hours getting my blogger skills cranked up again.  I wasn't on hiatus spending meditative moments in Fiji contemplating my belly button...I was dealing with the messy parts of life.  I closed out 2013 going through my 3rd divorce, grappling with being an empty-nester whose child can rarely communicate with me since she's touring Europe, selling off or giving away 90% of my worldly possessions, leaving my "fun" job to move back to my hometown for a great new adventure, leaving lovely friends behind, having to foster my canine children with dear cousins, and learning the ugly truth that agism is alive and well.  

         Over the past 3 years, I've gone from owning a large home in a nice gated community to scaling back to live in a ghetto one-bedroom apartment in Orlando to living in one room. While it's a temporary situation, living in my parents' home at age 58 was not where I thought I'd be at this stage in life. Sometimes it feels like a short slide down Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to the bottom rung.  

         And now, I discovered that the blog name I pondered so thoughtfully and considered a unique statement on my philosophy is commonplace.  Just google "not done yet" and see what comes up!  Lots!  I may need to change the name of my blog...not just because others cleverly thought it up too, but because doubts about the future cause my mind to muse about if it's actually a true statement of me.  Do I really believe that I'm "not done yet," or am I fighting a battle to stay in the paddock and not be put out to pasture?  

          Recently I was visiting London, and, most days, I had to explore it on my own. I used to enjoy my own company and it didn't bother me at all to be singular.  I don't know if it was the cold weather or the gloomy skies there, but I felt so alone among throngs of people.  I felt invisible.  I felt "done."  

           As I close this blog topic, I wax melancholy and contemplative.  Am I "not done yet" or am I "done" and just have to realize and embrace it?  Have you faced this cross road?  What did you decide — "done" or "not done?"  

Many blessings, Missy

Comfort Food

 18 September 2013

      What comes to mind when you hear the words, "comfort food?"  Having been raised in the south, my mind usually goes to chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes with white gravy, string beans, corn, a biscuit, and a Coke.  YUMMY!  If, however, I asked you what you consider your spiritual comfort food, what would you say?

        So many people I know comfort their spiritual needs with food and drink, relationships, and things...and it is never enough.  For me, spiritual comfort food includes: listening to inspirational books on audio, reading great stories with positive lessons, listening to music, laughing with friends, spending time with my family, and writing.  Listening to birds singing, snuggling with Leisl & Winston, my longhaired dachshunds, lighting candles to scent my environment, and spending time in Bible study and prayer fingering my rosary -- these feed my soul.

      What is your spiritual comfort food?  Please share!

~ Missy ~

29 August 2013

Mentoring, Managing, Leading, Coaching, Training, Developing....

   

          How many of you, like me, chose to take time out of the corporate world to nurture your children and raise them up to be adults?  After you assisted with their launch into adult life, were you ready to go back to corporate life?  If so, let's talk!

           I wanted to become a Mom and wanted to be home with our daughter.  In business terms, choosing to be a Mom was strategic / intentional, and being promoted to the greatest job on earth - being a Mom - was a bonus.  What are the skills learned and honed from Mothering can be leveraged into organizational / corporate positions when going back into the business world?  

          This week I want to hear from you.  In the title of this blog, I mentioned 6 skills I honed during my years in active Mothering.  I developed MOMS [Mom's Organizational Management System] and used this model to highlight skills that are critical to being hired in business / corporations today.  What about you?  I'd like to hear from other Moms who became "empty-nesters" and went back to corporate life.

        Please post your answers and comments to these questions:

1.  What skills do Moms bring to the workplace that are learned / used / honed in the process of Mothering?

2.  How can Moms leverage their skills after a hiatus out of the workplace and in the home with children?

3. What obstacles, either real or perceived, exist for Moms going back to the business / corporate environment?

Many Blessings, Missy 

*  The above photo is of my wonderful daughter & me!  I love being her Mom, and I was thrilled that I left "big business" to be home with her full time.  It was a terrific opportunity and we are all getting a fabulous ROI because of that strategic move.  Now that she's successfully launched into her adult life, I'm jump-starting my 2nd career into business again.

20 August 2013

      While it's tempting to lament that our generation experienced the last of the "good old days," we know that they weren't always that good.  But, there were some great things about the "good old days" from the Baby Boomer generation.  This week, let's "take a walk down Memory Lane" and note those elements of our country, our culture, and of the 1950's - 1970's.  

Here is my top 59.  

1.  God's name was respected, honored, and was considered okay to say anywhere, including schools and places of work.
2.  Manners & Etiquette - "please", "thank you", putting one's napkin in one's lap when dining our and at home alike, and sending of "thank you" notes for gifts.  The last baby shower gift I sent was never acknowledged and the baby is now almost a year old!  And that's not unusual...but it ought to be.
3.  Loyalty - loyalty to employees, employees to employers, customers to providers, providers to customers, etc.
4.  Retirement Savings / Investments - it used to be taboo to steal from employees' 401K and other retirement savings plans.  Apparently it's perfectly fine to not give workers what they earned and / or were promised.
5.  Classy Women / Classy Men - when's the last time you saw someone under the age of 40 who you would describe as "classy?"
6.  "Normal" sized meals - it's no secret that one of the variables pin why we are over-sized is because our meals are.
7. Value for your $ 
8.  Modesty  in dress, speech, attitudes, etc.  Not being a prude here, but for goodness sakes, make sure your "cheeks" stay in your shorts and your midriff isn't the focal point of your accessorizing!
9.  Movies/ TV shows had plots, and comedies were clever & G-rated.
10. Actors & Actresses could act, and they honed their craft.
11.  Standards of Conduct - general assumed points of acceptable and "good" conduct.
12.  Hard work = Get ahead
13.  Saying the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school
14.  Respect / Reverence of Elders in the society, in the family, in the church, etc.
15.  Going out to eat was a treat
16.  Knew your neighbors & they knew you too!
17. Religious services - most people went.
18. Knew Key World Political Figures 
19. Knew American History - and took Civics class in high school.
20.  Sears Catalog - everyone in the family fought over who got to leaf through it first!
21.  Captain Kangaroo & Mr. Green Jeans, Mr. Moose,  and Bunny Rabbit
22.  Going on a 1st date didn't end with having sex
23.  Home phone was on the wall in the kitchen.
24.  Home ownership was a dream in reach and was an investment.
25.  Count your friends on your fingers rather than in the thousands on social media
26.  Self esteem  was not over-inflated.
27.  Your date had to come in to meet your parents
28.  Music was good without being overtly raunchy.
29.  Groceries were affordable.
30.  Housing was affordable.
31.  Cars & gasoline was affordable.
32.  Insurance was affordable.
33.  Got wrinkles?  Sport bangs to cover them up; who ever heard of putting botulism into your face???
34.  Quiet times & spaces existed in our lives.
35.  Only rich people had "pagers", "car phones", "mobile phones"
36.  Music mediums: 8-trak tapes, cassette tapes, reel-to-reel tapes, LP's and 45's
37.  Making do
38.  Going  without
39.  Saving up for
40.  Coffee was a cup of Joe...espresso was in Italy
41.  Brown bags for groceries was reused as trash can liners
42.  Board games brought people together for fun & social time.
43.  Boobs stayed inside your blouse, t-shirt, top, or dress.
44.  Boxers  were inside your pants & out of sight.
45.  Sugar was sugar. No pink / yellow / blue / brown packets of sweetener.
46.  Hospitality wasn't just a word in the dictionary.
47.  "Grace" was said before all meals.
48.  Call home once a week.
49.  Party lines
50.  Timepiece hands - people could read time!  When I was teaching full time, very few of my high school students could read a clock that wasn't digital.
51.  Rolls of film - loading film into your camera from a little black plastic  cylinder, having the film developed into negatives, and having the negatives printed into pictures.
52.  President of USA had previous many years of meaningful & applicable experience for the job.
53.  Coke - having a coke at a party meant a drink, not a drug.
54.  Teaching was a noble profession.
55.  Child correction - it was okay for other people's parents to correct your children.
56.  Not everyone wins a prize.
57.  Computers took up an entire room & were certainly not in your house.
58.  Service station - AKA the gas station - attendants pumped your gas, checked the oil level and the pressure in your tires, and also cleaned your windshield.  And they wouldn't accept a tip for it!
59.  People conversed with one another and really connected...and didn't have to have an electronic device in order to achieve communication.

*  Please leave your comments on these or suggest others.  Which ones of these elements need to be reintroduced into the 2000's?  Look for a new post next week!  Thank you for visiting my blog!

  

Not Done Yet!

Not Done Yet! -- a place for women of the Baby-Boom Generation to explore their lives with all of the joys, challenges,  personal growth & continuous improvement, value, and legacy in a supportive, fun, highly engaging, and encouraging environment.  Come join me, because we’re Not Done Yet!

Not Done Yet!

14 August 2013

Are you a woman of the “Baby Boomer”, 50+ generation?  Did you grow up believing that, because you were part of  the largest population ever, that you were special and that your future was going to be “golden”, “all set”, “comfortable”, “prosperous”?  Was it assumed that the government, and all sorts of companies would spend mucho moola on advertising and marketing to you as part of the “elite Boomers”, and that the other generations would look to you as the “top dogs” in your community?

Borrowing a terrific quip from Dr. Phil McGraw, “How’s that working for you?”  Now that we’ve “arrived”, we aren’t being courted by advertising or on the upper rung of the corporate ladder; we aren’t the largest population anymore -- the IY Generation is; we aren’t special to our government -- in fact, it seeks to limit our Social Security and other benefits; we aren’t all living comfortable or prosperous lives.  We’re not the top-of-the-heap.  We’re just aging and trying to figure out this time in life... on our own with little support.  Yes, there is MORE magazine and the AARP or AMAC, and some cosmetics manufacturers claim to cater to the “mature” woman...still, how do we learn to be our best selves at this stage in our lives?  No one is mentoring us; no one is paying attention to us.  Well, I am!

Okay, I hope my pointing out some disappointing facts hasn’t sent you to the freezer for more Chunky Monkey ice cream or another vodka martini or a second helping of “happy pills.”  I’m right there with you...a Baby Boomer, 57 years old, and struggling with what category I fit into.  Here is the conunndrum that may sound familiar to you:  calling myself “middle age” would mean that I plan to live to be 114 (Did you get the math?  57 X 2 = 114), but calling myself, “old”, “elderly” or “mature” isn’t palatable.  

If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it’s likely to be coming soon.  You may be viewed as too old to compete at the top levels in business; you may be passed over for interviews for managerial, leadership, and key roles.  It’s usually not overt, because that would alert Human Resources to the organization being agist in their selection and promotion practices.  Oh no, it’s much more subtle.  You may have advanced degrees and years of experience, but it may be the younger women & men who are getting the goodies.  At a time when we are now free of parenting and have the time and freedom to travel for the company or to focus on key initiatives, and you have depth of experience, you may no longer a desired “commodity.”  You may be seen as “waiting until retirement.”  You may feel stuck as younger colleagues are moving up.  

My passionate message is to encourage you and to challenge you so that you don't feel downgraded in your status.  I want to encourage you to stand up for other baby boomer women and to do all you can to keep 50+ women in the game -- we’re Not Done Yet! Instead of giving up or resorting to sabotaging other women to hold on to our rank and position, why don’t we work together to redefine who we are, what we want, how to leverage our value, and how to communicate our worth. Instead of waiting for AARP  or AMAC to help us or anticipating our government swooping in to rescue us, why don’t we become women of value and rail against the machine that defines us as “out to pasture!”  We’re Not Done Yet!

What’s our benefaction going to be, both as individuals and as a collective group?  Would you like to join me in exploring this place on the timeline of our lives, to live our best lives now, to find our purpose at this stage in our lives, to define our legacy, to contribute in meaningful ways, and to become coaches / mentors / supporters / encouragers of young women who need our wisdom, need to hear our stories, and who need support for their dreams?  Great! Let’s dive in together!

Start by joining my blog:  Not Done Yet!  Explore topics and discussions.  Consider joining me for webinars.  Join other women in Golden Circles -- a once a month time for sharing, learning, coaching, and defining our life goals and benefaction. Even one-on-one coaching / mentoring is offered. Promoting the clout of 50+ year old women and declaring that we are Not Done Yet! , isn’t just a noble cause....it’s saving us from becoming extinct!  

        Please come back next Wednesday!   I encourage comments and suggestions.

--Missy --

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